THE GATES “Breach” Review

The Gates (ABC)

Episode 3 of THE GATES, “Breach”, saw the security frame of the community hacked and false burglar alarms setting off sporadically and simultaneously throughout the gates. Meanwhile Bret is told that Andie kissed Charlie and goes for a run with the rest of the teen wolf pack, Sarah joins a bake sale and Claire gets thirsty…

There are a few lessons writers should learn about characters, particularly the female ones. Actually only the female ones. I’ve yet to see a male character do something so clichéd and antagonizing as this: dear Andie has over 48 hours to mull over the fact that she kissed Charlie after Bret declared his love for her and now she can’t decide between the two: heart on his sleeve with black hair or heart on his sleeve with sandy hair. Both interminably dull, but she’s hardly a catch herself. When Charlie asks her to pick does she just say “Look lanky, I like you, but I’m with Bret and you’re just a friend,” or does she say “Look, I really like you. Call me tonight after I’ve talked with Bret and dumped his skinny rump” No. Instead the writers have to go ahead and ruin her (admittedly there wasn’t much there to desecrate), make her despicable and pathetic by having her dangling these two chumps on leads.

Rhona Mitra, always excellent as the femme fatale, is the standout. She was one of the standouts during her brief tenure at Boston Legal, where she had a good to great cast to compete with. On this show she’s the only one who doesn’t look like they’ve parts of the script scrawled on their palm a la Sarah Palin. This week she gets into a baking frenzy and is greeted by fellow vampire Christian Harper (he looks like he could play the much older brother of Julian McMahon of Charmed and Nip/Tuck fame, or is that just me?) who engages her in a sort of drinking duet as they share a victim and drink her blood simultaneously.
Meanwhile Nick and his security squad investigate the recent string of burglaries and even though this constitutes the central storyline of the episode, it was so dull, so clichéd, so stupid I’ll just say yes, it turns out exactly how you thought it would turn out about thirty seconds into the plot.

The Gates has an interesting premise: gated community containing a whole assortment of supernatural creatures. But there’s none of the Buffy humor, action or mystery, the soap opera bits couldn’t touch a scene of Friday Night Lights and much of the acting is so lame Rhona Mitra looks like Ingrid Bergman. Pun intended, this show sucks.