secret life

“Which Way Did She Go?”, the fifth episode of THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGERS‘ third season proves that this is not a bad show. This is the worst show. This show is insulting to life, to Americans and to teenagers and anyone who has ever been a teenager or ever will be a teenager.

The plotlines are more complicated than the Federal Tax Code of the United States government. They are also just as dull. To surmise: Amy is at pregnant mothers band camp in New York but her boyfriend Ben is at home, worrying about his one-night-stand Adrian who is pregnant and thinking about getting an abortion. Adrian is bffs with Grace who is an adamant Christian (though she gave in to peer pressure and lost her virginity in the worst sex scene in the history of television last year when the writers got in a rut and needed something for her character to do) and she refuses to allow her ex-boyfriend the jock named Jack or Jake (I think) live with her when his parents move to Arizona but he shacks up anyway with her brother and they get high on marijuana brownies in a scene so bad it is an insult to the 1970s. Ricky, who is the father of Amy’s baby and looks identical to Ben but is no relation, goes to her house and kisses her little sister whatsherface but realizes he was wrong but still can’t take back the smooch so that’ll surely stir up another story which can later be added to the Guinness Book of World Records for Most Boring Storylines Ever To Air On Television. Adrian’s father doesn’t want her to get the abortion and fights with her mother who supports her decision and Adrian runs away to Ben’s place where his father (an actor who used to be in the freakin’ Sopranos!) says something so boring my brain could not interpret it beyond blaaaaaah and Adrian and Ben share a moment where he says he supports her even though he can do nothing and I have to literally stick my thumb into a light socket because my heart has stopped beating.

Oh, and Bristol Palin pops up but she didn’t move her face once so I’m pretty sure it was just a cardboard cut out sliding in and out of the room.

There is a horrific montage where the main character has been photo-shopped into New York sceneries. There is Bristol Palin acting. Parental sermons so deadly this show should be labelled with a skull and crossbones. There is a scene where Adrian says to Ben: “Stop looking at me like that!” And he looks at her with the same intensity as a corpse and she says: “Stop looking at me like that!” This is probably considered a ‘witty’ scene. When anyone drones “I have to tell you something” (which they do at least 3 times a minute) then cue solemn piano and violin music. Bristol Palin says “I’m Yo-Yo Ma” and her delivery is so classic I’m instantly bypassing any scene I’ve ever seen on Battlestar Galactica or Veronica Mars or Breaking Bad or The West Wing and entering that as my no. 1 favorite tv moment of all time (I’ll be over it in a week.) And there is a two year old baby who was born about three months ago.

Yet despite everything I’ve said, The Secret Life of the American Teenager is so easy to hate, so easy to flaw, it is like watching a reality show. Everything about it is so laughable that against every morsel of snooty intellect and moral dignity you possess, you end up being entertained.

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