FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS Review: “Seeing Other People” (Season 2 Episode 8)

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS - Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins in “Seeing Other People”

I dare you…No I double dare you to not call this the best show on TV.

Go ahead disagree and show yourself to be the unsophisticated and unwashed philistine that you are.

By all that’s holy I am ready to say this now, before all of you: FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS is better than anything on HBO.

HBO wishes they had a show like this on their roster. It’s the perfect storm of brilliant writing and some of the finest acting you’ll ever see anywhere, much less on Network TV. Like “The Godfather,” every cast member knocks it out of the park – even the bit part players.

If the show were food, it would be a rib eye steak, cooked medium/well, with creamy mash on the side. If it were a woman it would have Marisa Miller’s torso, Scarlett Johansson’s boobs and Stacy Keibler’s legs. If it were a butt, it would be attached to J Lo.

I love you Friday Night Lights. If I could put a dollar in your thong and help you pay for college, I would do it.

But enough FNL worship. Here are my thoughts on this week’s episode: “Seeing Other People.”

First thought: Boy that Smash (Gaius Charles) sure can run. And jump. I guess if you fool around with a 300-pound nose guard’s woman on your college-recruiting trip you better know how to haul ass.

Now we’ve seen Coach Taylor (Kyle Chandler) teach young Smash a thing or two about football, but judging by the way Dillon’s star running back closes the deal with an admittedly quick-to-give-it-up hooch, he might have a thing or two to teach Coach Taylor about seducing the ladies (just don’t let him give you break up advice – keep reading to see what I mean).

You see, Coach Taylor can coach the hell out of a football team but the man can’t seem to get in the end zone with his own wife.

I guess that makes him like most married men then. Poor bastard.

Men don’t need Viagra pills; we need a pill that can turn us into Glen, the delightfully sensitive back-up guidance counselor who brings Tami (Connie Britton) burgers for lunch and wipes baby spit-up off her back.

Coach Taylor rightfully sees Glen as an undercover pimp, who’s tapping into Tami’s need for attention and good old-fashioned flirting, which many just-pregnant women need so they can remember that they’re still sexy to the opposite sex.

But after 5, 10 years of being together there’s no pill that makes your woman all interesting and new again. That’s where the Xs and Os come in coach. You need to be a pimp to your wife. Draw up some romantic plays: Sweet talk her and such. Rub her back and what not. And oh yeah, if you don’t, she’s running off with Glen. And your needs? Bah, please, pigs don’t have needs.

Ahh Tami, she couldn’t help herself after seeing Humbert Humbert (read a book people)…I mean Noah, the English Lit teacher get all chummy with Julie (Aimee Teegarden). So she accuses him in front of enough students to ensure that the story will spread across campus like a Malibu wildfire. “Nobody goes all Lolita on my little girl,” she practically yells, “I can get you fired and have my husband wup your butt.” Or something to that effect.

And isn’t it ironic, she accuses Noah based on what she thinks is happening but can’t handle it when her husband does the same thing to her. “Honey, I think you’re about to screw Glen,” (making up my own dialog this week), says Coach Taylor, who bases his opinion on his fears, just like Tami does with Julie. Ha, human beings, wonderful aren’t we? Anyway, Tami and Coach have as good and real a marriage as I’ve seen on TV, so kudos to them for holding it together.

Speaking of holding it together, it seems like Riggins (Taylor Kitsch) is starting to do just that. Yeah it took living with a Buddy Garrity-sized man who flashes more underwear than Paris Hilton, but whatever, we’ll take it. The point is Riggins saw his future as a ferret-loving moronic drug dealer, and he didn’t like it. Now he knows football is the only way out of Dillon and his return to the practice field was one of the episode’s best scenes. Damn you, FNL writers. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Crying is for girls who get dumped by the star QB. Saracen (Zach Gilford) dumps the hot cheerleader chick by telling her he wants an open relationship. 60% of the time the break up tactic works all the time says Smash, who claims the open-relationship approach guarantees the breaker-upper leaves the break-upee smelling like roses.

Yeah, so Saracen’s still a dummy, but at least he knows what he likes and he likes him some Latina nurse. And you know what, Carlotta likes him too. The age difference is not that great and I think she sees what a good and decent person Saracen is, and she is attracted to that. Good luck you two. You’re a sweet couple, much more compelling than that boring Pam and Jim on The Office. So I wish you both all the best, but then again I don’t work for Children Services.

Crying is also for girls like Julie and Tami. Once more we find Julie thinking her mother is a despicable human being. But Julie’s a teenage girl so she’s supposed to A, hate her mom, and B, vibe with her mom’s younger sister – who by the way is really annoying as a possibly barren and jealous-because-of-it sibling. She’ll give Julie just enough good advice to make her not totally hate her mom but all the while making herself look like the cooler more caring one. (Don’t ask me how I know these things.)

And finally, speaking of criers, this is the episode where Landry (Jesse Plemons) confesses. I get it Landry; you can’t run away from yourself. Your soul is intact. It can’t be bought. Now let’s hope the WGA negotiators are made of the same stuff you are, because if anyone deserves to be fairly compensated for what they do, it’s the people who write Friday Night Lights.

Give yourselves a pat on the back guys (and girls?), your show is top class.