HEROES “Cautionary Tales” Recap – Stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?

HEROES - Jack Coleman as H.R.G., Kristen Bell as Elle in “Cautionary Tales”

For Superman, it’s kryptonite.

For the Green Lantern, it’s the color yellow.

Apparently for Elle (Kristen Bell) it’s a basin of water that takes her down a peg.

On the latest episode of NBC’s HEROES, “Cautionary Tales,” Bennett (Jack Coleman) ties the little finger zapper up and applies his own brand of water torture, which not only makes him a man near and dear to the White House (and the old school pros at the CIA), but also sets up this week’s episode with what must be Bennett’s most memorable line of dialogue ever, which is:

“Stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?”

Hilarious line, and it made me think, why would Elle show such little caution (she electrocutes herself trying to zap her way out of trouble) when her feet are bound and shin-deep in water? Was it just a blond moment? Did she think Bennett was going to give her a pedicure? This kind of poor decision-making would have never happened on Veronica Mars.

And then I thought, instead of calling this episode Heroes – Cautionary Tales, the writers should have called it, Heroes – Stings Like a Bitch, Doesn’t it?

HEROES - Sendhil Ramamurthy as Mohinder Suresh in “Cautionary Tales”

Think about it, this is the episode where Suresh (Sendhil Ramamurthy ) thinks he kills, Bennett. Oh snap, you’re a murderer, Suresh: Stings Like a Bitch, Doesn’t it?

This is the episode where Hiro (Masi Oka) realizes he can’t save his dad from Adam’s (David Anders) roof-clearing NFL tackle. Oh well, so much for traveling back in time to save the people you love: Stings Like a Bitch, Doesn’t it?

This is the episode where Claire Bear’s boyfriend, West (Nicholas D’Agosta), realizes that, although he’ll never have to dip into his frequent flier miles, his weak ass (he can’t hold on to Bennett when he swoops him up for a mid-air interrogation) won’t be able to carry luggage heavier than a backpack with two t-shirts and a change of underwear. Hey there son, you can fly, but you’re weaker than my two-year-old niece: Stings Like a Bitch, Doesn’t it?

And, oh yeah, this is the episode where we find out that Claire Bear (Hayden Panettiere), like Adam, will never die.

Why should this sting like a bitch?

Again, think about it. Claire Bear’s vampiric ability to live forever because of her self-regenerative cells has some unwanted effects. Imagine when she decides to get a nose job then grows her old nose back seconds later. Damn you, self-regenerating power.

And besides, how horrible would it be to watch the people you love wither and die as you live on into eternity? That would pretty much suck, even if the people who wither and die would include that know-it-all relative you can’t stand.

Plus, can you imagine an eternally young Claire Bear having to deal with a 90-year-old husband hopped up on Viagra. Eww, gross. And how many times would she have to say to disapproving onlookers: “No, he is not my granddad.”

And truth be told, doesn’t this episode also sting like a bitch for the actors who didn’t appear on this week’s show. Or did they, I can’t recall.

Can I say I missed Niki/Jessica or whoever the hell she is now?

Not really.

Nathan? Nope.

Micah and his cousins and that post-Katrina storyline? Can’t say that I do.

Maya, and her hand-holding brother, Alejandro. Oh please, if there was ever an argument against illegal immigration…

Peter and Sylar? Not so much.

And with only two episodes left in the season what are the chances that all the various storylines and character arcs get wrapped up?

Care to bet?

Stings like a bitch, doesn’t it?