HEROES “Four Months Ago” Review: If I had a power…

HEROES - Milo Ventimiglia as Peter Petrelli and Kristen Bell as Elle in “Four Months Ago”

Let’s see, if I could grant myself a super power, it would be the ability to whoop the ass of the people who write this show.

No fuck that, it would be the ability to skip ahead of all the people waiting in line to whoop the ass of the people who write this show.

I mean there’s a line isn’t there? Tell me you disgruntled HEROES fans are forming a queue outside the NBC building with “What the Fuck?” picket signs? This show is more out of control than George Clooney’s dick at Spearmint Rhino, and attention must be paid.

Isn’t it obvious that Heroes has become an unwieldy beast of a Lost rip off? Aren’t we now certain that what we are witnessing are the debilitating effects of the all too common “We’ll-write-the-pilot-now-and-figure-it-all-out-later” disease. And if we are honest people, shouldn’t we admit to ourselves that this is the same affliction also affecting Prison Break and several other shows I don’t care to mention?

Okay, you don’t think it’s a Lost rip off, but how can you explain the similarities: The ensemble cast; the ah-hah moments that are more important than plot development; the parallels between lost souls stuck on an island and super heroes stuck in a Ground-Hog-day of a script? I mean if a storyline could be a character, this one would be Shakespeare’s Hamlet, a protagonist infamous for his inertia.

I suppose this is what happens when producers try to up the ante every week, even though they don’t know what the hell their story is.

What’s the story anyway? One minute Suresh is against the agency, the next minute he’s working for it. Who the fuck is that guy – John Kerry? “You see folks, I voted for the vaccine before I voted against it.” For real, dude?

And before we even figure out what the hell’s going on with the heroes we already have (and seriously, how heroic can you be when you don’t even wear red underwear on the outside of your leotards?), here come the new characters.

HEROES - Dania Ramirez as Maya in “Four Months Ago”

Take Maya (Dania Ramirez), for instance, she can make her mascara run down her cheeks every time she feels like crying. Sheeeiit, most girls I know can do that.

In fact, most girls I know wouldn’t be impressed with Maya’s ability to ruin makeup, not when they have vaginas. Man, I’ve seen more than one girl use her pum pum to do far more powerful things. Like mind control for example. Bullshit you say? One girl I used to date used her fluff to get me to take out the garbage. How would you explain that?

Anyway, where was I? The show has potential, but it needs some strong medicine. Here’s what I think: Kill some folks, fast. If your power requires you to make a squinty-eyed face or act like you’re one Motrin away from a migraine, then you’re a goner. If there are two characters, and each one of those characters can fly and do fuck all else, then draw straws bitches, one of you has to go. If, and this is important, if you can only hook a brother up with free cable, you must…well, you get the message.

Hayden Panettiere stays – because she’s 18 now, and her paparazzi shots are hot and without the show we wouldn’t have those. Although, losing the sole reason for her fame may send her into the kind of downward spiral that could have her accidentally flashing her unmentionables, so there may be some upside to “offing” the cheerleader.

So, look, I have nothing against West (Nicholas D’Agosta) and Micah’s (Noah Gray-Cabey) near useless abilities or Parkman’s (Greg Grunberg) need to use his “I wonder if I left the oven on?” face every time he reads somebody’s mind, it’s just that we need to cut the fat and this is no time to be sentimental about characters not pulling their weight.

So, Kring and company, get real and trim the cast, focus on developing compelling stories that serve a purpose beyond just trying to be clever. Leave that “gotcha” bullshit to M. Night Shyamalan is what I am saying.

And if none of that works, bribe the writers from Friday Night Lights to defect to your show. Now they know what the fuck they’re doing.