Easily the best “House of Lies” of the season thus far, “Damonschildren.org,” hilariously featured Matt Damon as himself- or at least something akin to the way celebrities sometimes portray themselves in shows like “Entourage,” which is to say in a decidedly satirical fashion. Here, Damon portrayed himself as an insufferable douche-bag that has people punched in the face to amuse himself, gets three women to make out just because he can, and who pops Vicodin like candy.
Marty’s mission, which he chose to accept, was to recruit Damon as a client in order to get Galweather-Stern some good press in the likes of the Wall Street Journal. The catch? Damon is shopping around various consulting firms and is by no means a sure thing, so it’s up to everyone to suck up to him big time in hopes of landing him. Doug is particularly thrilled about Damon coming, and laments that the office isn’t in good shape for a star of his caliber. Clyde tries his best to calm him down.
Clyde: “It’s Matt Damon. He’s used to living in a yurt with uncircumcised refugees.”
Sure enough, Damon could care less about the state of the office- or Doug’s dry presentation, which he mostly ignores in favor of hobnobbing with Marty under his breath. Jeannie doesn’t miss his attention, as Damon wondering aloud to Marty: “Please tell me you hit that.” Finally, he comes clean about his real motives.
“I just basically need a cause that’s about the size of Clooney’s cause, only with bigger tits…do you feel me, my strong, proud black brother? I see myself with, like a beard, you know, and maybe an M-16…I gotta go native, man.” (Big LOL.)
Damon heavily implies that he might seal the deal with Marty if he goes out on the town with him. One problem: Marty has a date at the batting cage with son Roscoe, and he’s hesitant to miss it, even for a star like Damon. Fortunately, Roscoe takes a shine to Jeanne and Marty is able to deftly pass her off to accompany Roscoe and his friend Dylan to do the sports thing. Things do not go well, as Roscoe was sweet on Dylan, but he only had eyes for Jeannie.
Dylan, after admiring Jeannie’s hair: “Forgive me, but it’s like spun gold.”
Eventually, Roscoe gets sick of being ignored and lashes out, but Jeannie wins him back over when she tells him the best people are the ones worth waiting for- and that Dylan is clearly not it. Meanwhile, Marty’s ex, Monica is having issues of her own. As predicted, she eventually did hook up with her housekeeper/nutritionist Tess, but let’s just say Monica is more of a taker than a giver. Monica is clearly having fun with it, but not enough to truly commit, much to Tess’ chagrin- albeit not terribly surprising, as she knows Monica’s hardly gay.
Meanwhile, Marty and Matt are out on the town, clubbing. Damon dares Marty to approach some Victoria’s Secret models and ask them to make out with each other. They are not amused and one of their bodyguards clocks Marty for his troubles, though eventually Matt tells him it was just a gag. Once the girls know Damon is involved, though, they happily make with the make-out.
Marty is clearly not amused by Damon’s behavior, and tells him what a dick he is, but Damon shuts him out and never gets the message. The next day, the pod is frantic, insisting that Marty calm down and do whatever’s necessary to get the account.
Doug, on Damon: “He’s almost, in my opinion, too beautiful for the world.”
Clyde: “He’s Jesus-meets-Gandhi…”
Doug: “…meets the Jonas Brothers.”
Damon shows up late, tripping balls on Vicodin, and promising to help a secretary with an issue involving a kidney transplant donor list. She excitedly thanks him in tears, as most of the pod look on. Clyde is duly impressed.
Clyde: “You just saved a life, Matthew.”
Damon: “[It’s] Just what I do.”
Marty clears the room, determined to get the deal, but also refusing to suck up to him anymore. In fact, at one point, he slaps a wavering Damon in the face, who barely registers the slight. Turns out he wants Marty to suck up to him, but in a decidedly different fashion. Marty refuses, but Damon allows him an alternative.
Damon: “We could totally close this with just a hand job.”
Cut to: a beard-sporting, armed to the teeth Damon “rescuing” kids from a war-torn area, guns blazing. Shot like something out of an action movie, the faux ad was hilarious, and the look on Marty’s face at the end proves that he took Damon up on his offer earlier in the show, especially when he gives him a masturbatory gesture with a smile. Oh, Marty. Is there nothing you won’t do to close a deal?
A pretty solid episode of “House of Lies,” this one is easily one of the show’s best. The bits with Damon were priceless, and it was great fun seeing him play against type. His dialogue was eminently quotable and the delivery shows that Damon can bring the funny more than most would have thought possible. Go figure.
What did you think of “House of Lies” this week? Did you like Damon’s self-effacing turn? What do you make of Monica and Tess? Can the show continue to effectively hide Kristen Bell’s pregnancy? Let me know what you think in the comments section!