Every now and again, a “CSI” comes up with an episode so whacko, you got to give credit where credit’s due. This week, it was “CSI: NY,” with the episode entitled “White Gold.” Man oh man, was this a crazy one. We started off with two teens tagging a meat plant or whatever with “Meat is murder”-type graffiti. A car and van in hot pursuit blare by, and they hear a crash. The girl goes to check it out, when shots ring out and they run to look and see a body lying there and no sign of either car or van.
Is it murder? Well, duh. This is “CSI,” people- what did you think you were watching? (Okay, so there’s the occasional accident, but you know what I mean.) But there’s a twist, and it is a doozy.
The gang arrive on the scene, with Jo and Mac trading barbs about the cold weather and how she wished she were back in Alabama. Well, I got news for you, sweetie: I’m here, it’s freezing, and just last week it snowed, so from the looks of things, you were doing a lot better than we were. The weather here is insane and completely schizophrenic. I mean, it will literally go from like 70 degrees to below freezing in the space of a few days, if not overnight, at least in the winter since I’ve been here. But I digress.
Determining it must have been some sort of carjacking gone awry, they collect the body and discover his gall bladder is gone and he just recently had surgery. This leads readily to his identity, and he turns out to be the nephew of a pizza maker, Ray, who raised him like his own after his parents died early on. Insisting his nephew, Paulie, was a good kid, he made it plain that he didn’t believe for a minute that he was involved in anything hinky.
Finding the car and the van, the CSIs determine that the van had been used to smuggle something or the other, what with a false panel in the floorboard. They decide it must be a drug thing, with the driver smuggling 500 pounds of something into Canada. “Something” would prove to be the operative word here.
The gang track down one of the suspects, Martell, to his apartment, which is empty, but there are stacks of what appear to be bricks of cocaine or the like on the floor. Only when Flack inspects the package, it turns out to actually be….cheese?
Yes, cheese. Umm…okay. I know chicken wings are supposedly in short supply lately, but I missed out on the whole cheese shortage thing. (I only wish I also missed out on the truly horrible pun: “No whey!” For shame, “CSI: NY” writers, for shame.) Ah, but it turns out there’s a market for cheese across the border in Canada, where they call Mozzarella, I kid you not: “White Gold”- hence the title of the episode.
So, apparently, Paulie was selling cheese to the Canadians for a profit, in a vaguely misguided attempt to pad out his Uncle’s profit margin on the pizza place so that he can get out of the black and into the red and potentially retire. As Paulie did the books for the shop, Uncle Ray had no idea, but he puts the pieces together after he recalls that he’d been approached by those nefarious Canadians in the past and had previously turned them down, telling them to “Take off, you hosers!” (Okay, that wasn’t in the episode, but they owe me for that “whey” line.)
Paulie does not tell them to take off, eh, and, in fact, takes them up on their offer, correctly assessing that it would be a pretty low-maintenance and low-risk way to make a little bit of extra cash on the side. Or so he thinks.
It seems that a nearby neighbor working late at a chop shop has been spying on Paulie for some time, and is convinced that he knows what Little Caesar is up to late at night. Except, of course, he really has NO IDEA, because who the hell stashes away bricks of cheese in a hidden panel in their van?
He launches a plot to highjack the “drugs” and the opening scene ensues, with poor Paulie getting clipped for his troubles, and, once it is discovered that they just jacked someone for freaking cheese, Felipe’s partner, the aforementioned Martell, kills him and dumps him in the trash. Once they track him down, he lies through his teeth about what happened and almost gets away with it before Jo and Mac return, new info in tow, and catch him in his web of lies.
Turns out Martell was the one who stole the car used in the crime, shot Paulie and subsequently killed his highly misinformed partner Felipe. I guess he was really cheesed off. (Sorry.) Let it be said that crime doesn’t pay, though it sometimes provides us with a nice topping from time to time.
Okay, so this was all pretty ridiculous, needless to say, but it was also kind of brilliant. I mean, I called “CSI: NY” out a few weeks back for ripping off the whole “printable gun” thing, but this was a whole different animal altogether. I can’t say I’ve seen this plot used anywhere, and as silly as it all was, it was pretty enjoyable, bad puns notwithstanding. There’s “white gold” in them hills!
What did you think of this week’s “CSI: NY”? Was “White Gold” just original enough to pass, um, munster? (See what I did there?) Or could you do without the funnier- or at least trying to be funny- episodes of the show? Let me know in the comments!