True Blood “Turn! Turn! Turn!” Season 5 Premiere Review June 11, 2012 Reviews, True Blood At long last, True Blood is back! Silver Spoons The Authority wasted no time entangling Bill and Eric in silver and shoving them in the trunk of a car where they spooned, pondered their punishment and ultimately plotted their escape. (Get it? Silver spoons.) Thanks to Eric’s secret connection, the duo got a temporary reprieve – emphasis on temporary. Viewers met Eric’s sister Nora, who was also “made” by Godric and is now a trusted member of The Authority. Oh HBO, enough with the incest! Although Eric and Nora are not technically related, it was super gross to watch him have loud shipping dock sex with a woman he repeatedly called his sister. Gross. The season of Mary Ann the maenad had enough deviant sex to last True Blood viewers a lifetime. When we last saw Ike Applebaum and Marcellus Clark, the Authority had caught up with the pair and took them into custody. Sookie/Lafayette/Pam/Tara Desperate to save Tara, Lafayette and Sookie begged Pam to turn Tara into a vampire to prevent losing their friend forever. Pam agreed to do the deed if Sookie would use her “magic hands” or “super snatch” to fix her rift with Eric. A true team player, Pam put on a precious yellow Wal-Mart sweat suit and settled into the ground with a lifeless Tara. When it was confirmed that Rutina Wesley would return for Season 5, I suspected it would be either in vampire form or through Lafayette. Given Tara’s deep hatred of vampires and selective memory of the actual good deeds they’ve done for her, I thought turning her into that which she hated most was a pretty fitting solution. Pam was a great choice for the task of making Tara, if it could not be Eric – the vampire Tara loathes most. I loved that Sookie admitted to having the time to reconsider shooting Debbie and chose to shoot her anyway because she wanted her dead. From the moment Debbie Pelt entered my screen with her sour puss disposition and Forever 21 ensembles, I wanted her gone. Cheers to Sookie! We know from the previews that Pam successfully turned Tara into a vampire but it looks like things are a bit off. Jessica/Jason/Hoyt Oh Jason. Jason has the biggest heart, the noblest intentions (most times) and what appears to be the world’s smallest brain. *sigh* I was so relieved that Jessica came to save him and enjoyed the comic relief in Reverend Newlin’s proclamation of love for Jason. By the way, I think Reverend Newlin would be a great public spokesperson for The Authority. Hoyt is understandably heartbroken and it has made his character absolutely unlikeable. Blech. If he has nothing better to do than be bitter and use really stupid names to refer to his former best friend, I’d rather he just not waste screen time. Really? Girlfriend f#@cker?!?! Do better. Arlene/Terry/Patrick Poor Terry. It looks like the return of his military buddy has set off his PTSD. Something or someone is setting fires to the homes of his military comrades and Patrick seeks to reenlist the fragile vet to help find the culprit. Alcide/Sam/Luna It was deeply disappointing that Sam and Alcide did not have a confab to come up with a story about how to deal with the sudden disappearance of Marcus. I understand that Alcide may be a little rusty on the ways of the pack but surely he knew they would come looking for their missing pack master. Mama Marcus looks like nothing but trouble. While I’m generally open to different cultural practices, I was pretty grossed out by the site of the wolves feeding on Marcus. Woof. Alcide, you’re going to have to grow a pair. This pack problem is not going to quietly go away. Holly/Andy Not much there with the exception of finally meeting Holly’s sons. Did you know that the actress that portrays Holly, Lauren Bowles, is the half-sister of Julia Louis Dreyfus? I wish I could sleep as soundly as Holly. Wow. Favorite Moments . . . “F@$k Sookie!” “Color me impressed, you guys sure know how to party.” – Pam’s reaction upon finding Sookie and Lafayette in the kitchen with dead Debbie and huge chunk of Tara’s head blasted away by the bullet meant for Sookie. My thoughts: This was one of the best season openers for True Blood, which was likely due to the drama from the finale and the fact that we picked up right where we left off. It was an exciting episode even without the official on-screen return of Russell Eddington. Who moved Jesus? Maybe I’m reading too much into it but I found the unexpected disappearance of his body to be a bit suspicious. My favorite part of the episode was Lafayette’s wise decision to rid himself of that awful, awful hairstyle. Oh how I hated looking at his hair last season. When he stared at the razor from the bathtub, I worried that Lafayette was going to commit suicide (and add to the ever-increasing body count in Sookie’s/Eric’s house). When he emerged from the bath full of rage for supernatural shenanigans and freshly emancipated from that horrible hair, I squealed with joy. What did you think of the season premiere of True Blood? Sound off below! Allison Wheaton I was a little disappointed by the season premiere. Maybe it’s because last season was kind of lackluster, but last night’s episode was like eating a big bowl of ‘who cares’ with a side dish of ‘what the f—.’ Maybe next week’s episode will draw me in a little more. http://www.daemonstv.com Jocelyn LOL. Allison, I’m officially incorporating “like eating a big bowl of ‘who cares’ with a side dish of ‘what the f—.’ I agree that last season was a bit lackluster. There were far too many story lines that outlasted their entertainment value. I wish I could forget Hot Shot and that demonic thing that Jesus turned into. I liked this premiere a bit better because we didn’t have the jump in time – I wasn’t a fan of Sookie’s mysterious disappearance last season and I didn’t care for Bill’s disappearance in the previous season. I was a little concerned about how many people were crammed into the hour – I could really care less about how Hoyt is doing these days. We could have also done without Andy and Holly as the only thing we gained from that was confirmation that they slept together and a peek at Andy’s butt. Allison Wheaton Andy’s butt made me laugh, that and ‘Ike Applebaum.’ Otherwise, I was kind of irritated. I could not care less about Hoyt’s hurt feelings, Holly’s kids, Luna and her kid, werewolf politics, or Terry’s sketchy military friend. In other words, I wish they’d focus on the core cast, which made seasons 1 and 2 so great, except I’d keep Alcide (provided he keeps taking his clothes off) and lose Tara, whose new vampire status probably means she’ll be even more annoying.