DANCING WITH THE STARS Season 13 Episode 4 – You can almost see the slight disbelief in the smirk on Tom Bergeron’s face as he announces, every ten minutes, that no, this is not the actual results show—that’s coming “Live at the top of the hour.” It’s like he knows this first waste of an hour is wrong—and it partly guilts him. But not enough for him to not be vaguely amused by it.
Freaking ABC. I rail against the Disney corporation on a weekly basis, seemingly, but really—no channel is as openly greedy as they are. Any sort of ratings score will be mined until the cash cows come home. They are, after all, the sods who gave us a three-hour Bachelor Pad show for the season opener. Why should Dancing With The Stars be any different?
So we got what was essentially a one-hour repeat of Monday’s show. Aside from voting, is there even a reason to watch on Mondays? Everything is gift-wrapped for us on Tuesdays.
I guess the voting is key, because the dancing scores certainly aren’t. The quasi-celebrity popularity contest that is DWTS showed its colors again tonight when it voted off Elisabetta Canalis—she of the minimal American profile and the spotty English-speaking skills—even after a dramatically improved second week. And I called it. Sure, I was one week late, but I did call it; Canalis didn’t even have the charisma to upend a sad sack gender bender who looked, as Bruno Tonioli put it, “like an Ewok dancing with Princess Leia.”
Part of it was undoubtedly Canalis’s partner’s fault. Val Chmerkovskiy has all of older brother Maks’s brashness and none of his sex appeal, so he was no help, and Lacy Schwimmer still has Lance Bass’s fan base voting for her.
A sad state, really. I agree with Len Goodman, as usual: the most intriguing personalities are the worst dancers.
Oh, the show? Fine.
The “behind the scenes” skit was as rote. The Jennifer Grey First Aid Kit was pretty funny. “If you hit a paparazzi it’s like an eagle” was funny. Not much else was. (Spray tanning. El oh el.)
I’ll give Dancing With The Stars this: they don’t allow lip synching. The Script started off-key and didn’t quite get back on it for about half the song. The dancers were good though.
And that is the strength of the show. Dancing. You could (easily) argue DWTS isn’t as cutting-edge as, say, So You Think You Can Dance (though on the plus side DWTS doesn’t have a shrieking harpy as a judge) (Bruno doesn’t shriek—he yelps) … but it’s a hell of a lot more polished. And that’s one positive thing Disney will hit you over the head with: polish.
Other notes:
J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff got a tongue-lashing from the judges just to keep their egos in place. Proper.
Has there ever been a partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy has ever looked like he disliked more than Hope Solo? He can hardly stand to look at her when not in the midst of a performance. Maybe she’s one of the few who won’t sleep with him. That or her shoulders scare the crap out of him.
Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani are better than their most recent performance. Judges gave another well-deserved ego check.
Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya) may be in more danger than I thought. He worked the most at his routine and still danced that badly? Yikes.
Ricki Lake got the Gift of Hough, and she’s not wasting it. That dude is a choreography machine. I have a sinking feeling they’re going to do much better than I originally thought. Top 3 at least.
David Arquette looked like he was going to fall over at least eight times. Kym Johnson looks slightly helpless to do anything about it.
Nancy Grace makes me ill. Enough said.
Kristen Cavallari and Mark Ballas: neither will ever be accused of immense intellect.
Rob Kardashian, partnered with Cheryl Burke, better damn well be a better dancer than his sister Kim. How could he possibly be worse?
That’s all I got.
P.S. Brooke Burke-Charvet: still as dull as stone. And not very bright. “Chaz, are you feeling safe?”
Next week: Chaz has to go home. Right? Maybe not. I predict a one-more-week stay of execution, and then tossed the following week.
If you want to get tossed, follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you happy-footed freaks!
Please make sure to read our comment policy before posting a comment.