THE BACHELORETTE (2011) Season Finale (Season 7 Episode 10) – “I’m easily influenced by my family,” Ashley said meekly, even though we already know her M.O. is to completely do whatever the hell she’s not supposed to do. Way to give J.P. even MORE ammo, Biker Sis.
Ah, Biker Sis. We’ve so missed you and your gaudy flaming chest tattoo, and really, you did not disappoint. Not in THIS episode, at any rate (the “After the Final Rose” show was another thing entirely—and I will cover that in my review of that show). You strode forth, angry and full of wrath that this damnable show was not only invading your life yet again (and you weren’t the center of attention as you clearly think you are meant to be), but was forcing you to go to Fiji of all places. The sun! THE SUNNN…!
(Insert dying vampire sounds as needed.)
“If I don’t like them… something is up.” Yes indeed something is up. Who else thinks she was just trolling (a fantastic use of the word here) for her own show? I mean, clearly this is just a little more than Alpha Sister reasserting her control and dominance. I mean, I wouldn’t tune in to watch her, but I’m glad she was here to give Ashley more well-deserved tears. Bravo, Biker Sis, and long live the struggle for attention!
I know everyone feels bad for Ben, but come on. This is the message I try to pass on at least twice a year: If you sign up for a reality TV show, expect the worst. Especially one in which you’re trying to find a mate. Especially if it has the word “Bachelor” in it. One last time, himbos and bimbettes: ABC shouldn’t have the right to choose your mate for you. Yes, Ashley had a larger pool of attention-starved men to sift through (after being one of many chasing Brad that is), but you guys… Ben…
“She told me she loved me the only way she could,” Ben said stoically before Ashley carpet-bombed him. “With her kiss.”
No, Ben, she didn’t tell you because she was in “love” with another dude.
You asked for it. The pain, the public humiliation, all of it. Sure, Ben is a little less culpable, since his sister signed him up for this (GREAT FAMILY, HUH), but still… he signed on the dotted line. Ultimately he agreed to be on The Bachelorette, just like all the other tardmonkeys. I got no tears for that.
I’ve also got no tears for Chris Harrison, who is now clearly darkening his hair to cover up the gray that comes with losing one’s soul. He can give those pitying looks all he wants—he knows exactly what this show does to its not-so-bright contestants. Anything for a paycheck and a steady gig on TV though, right? He ain’t no Jeff Probst.
So J.P. got the win. I called it way back when I had him as my frontrunner, once the Bentley issue was semi-over. Speaking of Bentley, I think I’m going to downgrade his name even more, after seeing what a chickenshank he was for not showing up for the reunion show. From now on he’s bentley, no capitalization at all.
Just bentley: his b’s are tiny.
We got the obligatory Neil Lane Diamonds appearance. That dude’s like Puxatawny Phil. We got the necessary R.E.O. Speedwagon reset along with the expected sweeping boom camera sailing over the happy and engaged couple, etc., etc…
So soon we forget poor Ben, crushed like a bug. We’re too busy with our made-for-TV happy ending. Thanks for playing!
The show is awesome.
I have one more review (“After the Final Rose”) and then it’s on to NEXT week, where the Axe will be surveying the playing field of Bachelor Pad. And I thought this show had bad people in it. Yikes.
If you like squashing bugs (or men), follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you reality TV-watching cockroaches!
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