AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Final Cuts Part Two: The Final Final Cuts” Review

AMERICAN IDOL (2011) “Final Cuts Part Two: The Final Final Cuts” Season 10 – Episode 10 – Well I was wrong in thinking we’d get an hour of contestants marching up and down that long-ass spot-lit airplane hangar aisle. We got two hours. I really should have checked my schedule.

But for my own sanity I need to just move past the money-grubbing insanity that is this week’s American Idol final-final (final) cut for the Top 24. I will say only one more thing with regard to that:

FOX Television executives, Nigel Lythgoe, I hope you are cursed with a plague of locusts in your underpants. Dragging this process out was not good television. You tortured me and most of America with this dreck. May Charlie Sheen darken your door.

That’s off my chest. Let’s get to the real business and rejoice! The decision is now in your hands, America! I have faith that, just like last year (Crystal Bowersox) and the year before (Glambert), that you will get behind a true artist and rocket them into stardom.

So who are we left with? Let’s first say goodbye to some of the interesting ones. Please note that thus far every female contestant that I predicted would make the top 12 is still alive, and I only missed out on two men (Chris Medina and John Wayne Schultz). Because I am awesome, plus I sometimes know how A.I.’s mind works.

Goodbye, Jacee Badeaux, you sweet little chubby dude, you were not quite mature enough and it would have been painful listening to you go through puberty during the live shows. Farewell, Jessica Cunningham, they gave you the boot on your birthday, and you in turn gave us the two-bird salute; classy moves from a fake “rocker” chick with an average voice. See you later, John Wayne Schultz, I hope you still love your mama. Peace out, Colton Dixon, I didn’t really notice you and your rooster hair until the end, and by then it was too late.

So who / what do we have left? I’m going to list them by how I think they will do (broken in half by gender), top to bottom. Here we go!

Boys:

1. Stefano Langone: The female vote is going to pull this guy through to the top 12 easily. Dude looks like Tony Danza and Jensen Ackles somehow conceived an extremely attractive illegitimate love child. He’s like David Archuletta–but more masculine. Never, ever, ever underestimate the voting power of A.I.’s young female sector.

2. Brett Lowenstern: He comes off tentative everywhere but onstage, but that’s the only place dude needs to shine. He’s open and honest, too, which will endear him to many people. My personal favorite, partly because he looks a little like Geddy Lee. Plus: the ginger Jewish vote! Duh.

3. Casey Abrams: Yes, probably the most talented contestant. But he’s weird enough that it’s going to put off some people, plus he’s scruffy and unattractive, and looks a little like Will Ferrell. Talent will carry him through to the Top 12, but beyond that … we’ll see how he’s able to rein himself in.

4. Robbie Rosen: Loads of talent, and that smirk is going to win a few women, no doubt. He can come off a little smug, though, and doesn’t have Langone’s looks. Still, as I said before, confidence wins many battles, and this dude’s got loads of it.

5. James Durbin: Sure, this Glambert soundalike with the Terets and the Axl Rose bandana issues will make the top 12. He should, just based on vocals. And I like how he holds his girlfriend in such high regard… though seriously, how is this dude straight? He could either make the finals or flame out way early.

6. Scotty McCreery: We finally saw more than a one-song wonder, so I’m glad the stand-up kid from Carolina made it in, even though I think Idol missed the boat by not having two male country singers. No John Wayne? Does A.I. even realize a massive chunk of their audience likes country music? And is it just me, or does Scotty look a little like Rick Astley.

That’s right, I just Rick-Rolled y’all.

7. Jacob Lusk: I’m pulling for this man, especially after Randy gave him the worst advice ever. Attn Mr. Jackson: Jacob DOES need to rein it in a little. Middle America probably does not agree with you that a man who sounds like a woman from the Wailing Hearts Southern Baptist Church is going to be a pop icon.

8. Tim Halperin: Good looking, slightly dull. If he peps it up he could sneak into the top 12, but only if one of the better dudes stumbles. And is it just me, or does anyone else think “Jim Halpern” when they say his name?

9. Paul McDonald: Dude’s voice is excellent, unique … but probably too soft. If he wants to advance, McDonald will need a quixotic run like that dude from season 6 who did the beat-boxing and sewed his own pants. You know, whatsisname. Uh, Blake Lewis!

10. Jovany Barreto: Every Latin Singer Wrapped Into One. I did like his rendition of Angel, and dude will bring the muscle (literally) to each performance. His thing might be slightly outdated, however.

11. Jordan Dorsey: Mistake letting him through. What were they thinking? This music teacher is a diva and an average performer who won’t endear himself to anyone.

12. Clint Jun “Junbug” Gamboa: America is going to crucify this bug-spectacled bizarro, not only for his I-Love-Me theatrical dramatics, but in revenge for Jacee Badeaux. Please, someone, squash the bug.

Girls

1. Naima Adedapo: She’s going to win if Stefano’s female vote doesn’t carry him through. There’s not much more I can say. She’s like Macy Gray and Lenny Kravitz had a very quirky love-child.

2. Pia Toscano: … But if Naima DOESN’T win, Pia could snatch it away, simply based on her freakishly amazing vocals. This girl crushes it.

3. Ashthon Jones: … or … her. Ashthon can hit it, and she’s got a great look. If she finds her groove, and some real good consistency, I can see her going to the finals.

4. Haley Reinhart: Great vocals, so-so stage presence. She will very likely make the top 12 but not advance far from there unless she learns to own the stage.

5. Lauren Alaina: Idol’s Sweetheart. No, I don’t see her as that spectacular, and she’s making enemies across the globe according to message boards which I am / may not frequent from time to time. As the numbers start to whittle down, I think we’ll see people voting for anyone but her. The next Carrie Underwood? No. But nice try.

6. Thia Megia: The little girl with the big, mature voice. She may actually do pretty good, depending on her confidence. She could make a run with the Asian vote. “Junbug” certainly won’t get it.

7. Karen Rodriguez: She’s good, but I don’t think J-Lo’s Biggest Fan is going to crack the Top 12. She has a chance, but … I think she has to rely on someone better than her cracking under the pressure for her to slip in.

8. Rachel Zevita: The bigger stage is going to smash her already-shaky confidence. I don’t see it. She may last ONE episode, two if they vote her through on cuteness alone.

9. Julie Zorrilla: One step behind Rachel Zevita, but without her talent, so one foot’s already out the door. A classic example of Idol advancing a girl based on looks rather than singing ability. And that never plays well with female voters.

10. Kendra Chantelle: She’s a few steps ahead of Lauren Turner vocals wise, but also lacks stage presence. The larger stage will devour her.

11. Ta-Tynisa Wilson: As many times as this girl tripped up in Hollywood week? And she’s through? Not for long.

12. Lauren Turner: I just don’t see what the judges saw. Bland.

That’s all I got. Thank the (insert deity) this week is over. It’s in your hands now!

Join me, America, in my “Squash the Junbug” campaign, and follow me on Twitter! That’s @Axechucker, you freaking hippies.