AMERICAN IDOL Season 10 Episode 4 “Nashville Auditions” – I guess it’s appropriate the episode started with an off-key, screaming man with fake, spray-on red hair. Because that’s about how I was feeling fifteen minutes into the show. So much for Nashville giving us some country alternatives. Yikes.
Looks like it’s back to earth after the excellent Milwaukee auditions. It couldn’t last. The show was epitomized by that one guy in the all-over purple body suit named “?”
As in “What the—?” As in we’re questioning why we’re even here. As in “Riddle me this, Batman, why did we stop in Nashville if the car’s still running?”
Sure there were a few standouts. But all in all, this was freaking brutal, and I am now officially tired of Randy attempting to take Simon’s role as the “mean” one; the stunned looks and the bugged out eyes aren’t doin’ it, dawg. Lopez was predictably sleepy, and even Tyler looked a little lost. Actually, he looked happy to get out of there as much as he looked relived to have found some actual talent at the Nth hour.
But these were the Nashville auditions of American Idol, y’all. They had to give us something! Here’s how I stacked `em up:
Lauren Alaina, 15, of Rossville, GA: 4.5 stars. Tyler was probably right, and they (the producers) did save the best for last. This chunky little girl with the soulful voice and the Anne Wilson hair (or rather the Carrie Underwood-as-Anne Wilson hair) has some talent, not to mention some moxie, coaxing Tyler into a duet for her parents who were dragged into the room. She’s one of maybe two I can see getting to the top 12 from this “Nashville crash.”
(Aside: The whole “let’s drag someone the contestant loves before the judges” thing is cute, but it’s going to get overused fast. Let’s try not to have it happen more than once a freaking episode.)
Rob Bolin, 23, and Chelsee Oaks, 23, (Duet): These exes sing pretty well together, and to anyone with half an eye, it’s obvious who dumped who. Unfortunately, duets happen only rarely on A.I. — and you certainly can’t advance that way. And no, they’re not getting back together as J-Lo cooed, and no, they were not looking “longingly into each other’s eyes,” as other critics gushed. (I’m looking at you, The Hollywood Reporter.) Chelsee’s eyes were closed nearly the entire time.
The good news comes in this, my personal and heartfelt message to Rob: You don’t need her, pal. Not with that voice. You’re going to move on from Hollywood, and your ex is not. Additionally, you’re going to meet a lot better girls than the one that kicked you to the curb for that taller, thinner, prettier, peevish-looking dude. Hell, one of them might even sing with you. Stay strong, brotha’. Chelsee Oaks is no Amy Lee. It only gets better from here.
Message sent. Rob: 4 stars. Chelsee: 2 stars.
Adrienne Beasley, 23, an adopted farm girl from Wickliffe, KY: 3 stars. If this diamond-in-the-rough can summon some confidence and some stage presence to go along with her voice, she’ll go far. If not, she’ll be chewed on and spit out by the more polished acts in Hollywood.
Jackie Wilson, 28, a bar manager from Nashville: 3 stars. This unassuming woman may be the Nashville dark horse; she may slip past the Hollywood portion without anyone hardly noticing. She has talent, but maybe not enough to make you remember she’s more than just the lady who took your order back at the last truck stop on Route 66. We’ll see.
Paul McDonald, 25, a musician from Nashville: 3 stars. At first listen, this guy’s Adam Levine-meets-Rod Stewart voice (appropriate that he sang “Maggie May”) sounded fantastic, though it lost some strength in the end. It’ll need more to advance.
The rest were forgettable. We didn’t even get to hear one of the supposed best, Danny Pate, because the producers thought it more important to show him in a singalong with the judges rather than by himself. And I wasn’t as sold on Matt “I wear overalls and nothin’ else” Dillard as the judges were, and predict his Hollywood demise as well. I do like that J-Lo called out the boys for being boys when they let Stormi “Miss Teen USA” Henley through. “Seriously, you two? That must be the smallest voice we’ve ever heard. In five cities!”
I feel Stormi’s pain, though. I get judged by being too beautiful all the time, and it needs to stop.
Next week: Austin Texas, baby! Cowboy up!
In the meantime, check out a few photos of tonight’s episode of American Idol.
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