AMERICAN IDOL Season 10 Episode 3 “Milwaukee Auditions” – Well, this is embarrassing, I have to admit it. The prior two episodes of American Idol hadn’t given us much in the way of actual talent (Kosovo girl Melinda Ademi was pretty good, and that kid with the Carrot Top hair wasn’t bad either), so I was all set to make my inaugural American Idol critique all about the judges.
That was all anyone was really talking about anyway: How would A.l. do with these new judges? Or really: How could it survive without Simon? I had it all set up and ready, the first five paragraphs of my review pre-written and rarin’ to go. This was going to be about Randy “Same Old Act” Jackson, and Jennifer “The Sober Paula” Lopez, and Ryan “He Sure Looks Bored” Seacrest.
Mostly it was going to be about Steven Tyler: The Horn Dog Cometh. I actually hadn’t realized how asexual the show had been until I witnessed Tyler’s first lingering leer — and perhaps FOX Television and its family-friendly programming might have preferred it stay that way! But it’s a little too late for regrets; the fox has entered FOX’s henhouse, so to speak, and right now he looks comfortable enough to stay for a meal or two. Every female contestant falls under the playful scrutiny of Tyler’s discerning gaze as soon as they walk into the room. Tall, short, skinny, wide, light, dark, it doesn’t matter. Neither does age; his leers would probably force a more negative (and violent) reaction if it were some other grandfather — dressed in trendy cowboy boots and a rocker’s wig — letting his eyes roam over the quaking frames of 15-year old hopefuls. But this is Steven Tyler. Been there, done that, his grin seems to say.
Luckily for censors and for FOX’s family-friendly conservative viewership — and for us fellow fathers of 15 and 16-year old daughters — Tyler (usually) reserves his more direct comments for the legal ones.
I could go on. I was going to go on. But then Milwaukee happened. Tyler probably summed it up best:
“Well, Hellfire, save matches, f**k a duck and see what hatches!”
My sentiments exactly. Milwaukee KILLED it. Easily half of the Milwaukee hopefuls they showed could make the top 12. If I were a betting man (and I am) I would guarantee my top four, at the very least, will get a place on the big stage.
Here’s how I rate some of Milwaukee’s Beasts:
Scott Dangerfield, 22, a student teacher from Milwaukee: 5 stars. This guy is the total package. He looks like a 1986-era Eric Stoltz, but without the condescending smirk. The Buddy Holly glasses round it out; Rivers Cuomo wishes he looked like Dangerfield. Dude will bring the geek vote, the teenage girl vote, and the “I wish he would marry my daughter” hopeful mom vote.
Chris Medina, 26, from Oak Forest, Illinois: 4 stars. Shades of Danny Gokey, this smoky-voiced everyman comes with a tragedy-touched fiancé. It’s a fair thing to say his story was moving, and when they wheeled Julianna in to meet the judges, and Tyler whispered, “It’s why he sings so good, ’cause he sings to you,” there was not a dry eye in most living rooms. Tearful tales can only take you so far, but Medina sounds like he has the goods.
Scotty McCreery, 16, a student from Garner, North Carolina: 4 stars. If Randy Travis had started singing at age 16 (he probably did) this is what he might have sounded like. McCreery is exactly what A.I. has been lacking of late: a legitimate country presence. I’m not going to crown this fresh-faced dude the next Carrie Underwood (Hell, I’m not even going to anoint him the next Kellie Pickler), but he will go far.
Alyson Jados, 26, from Milwaukee: 4 stars. A legitimate rock-chic rocker chick. I’m pulling for her. I could end up being completely wrong, and she could just end up melting away into tears again, but I’m hoping her slight freak-out was simply due to her being in the presence on her idol Tyler. She’s got a growl in them pipes!
Other notables:
Jerome Bell, 27, a bartender from New York City: 4 stars. He has the voice, the looks, the smile, and like Scott Dangerfield he wears those funky cool thick-framed spectacles that say, “Don’t be dazzled by my awesome smile. I wear glasses and am thus very approachable!”
(I wear glasses too, but it’s because I’m 42 and my eyes are old and tired.)
Molly DeWolff Swensen, 22, the Harvard grad White-House intern: 3 stars. I’d give her more credit (her voice is amazing) but she could literally polarize the vote down party lines and America certainly won’t give any sympathy votes for a Harvard grad.
Special “thanks for coming” mention goes to Emma Henry, 15, from Littleton Colorado. It’s not that I don’t think she has talent. I think she does. (She also has Terri Nunn’s hair. Am I dating myself here?) But I also agree with the judges: Hollywood is going to eat her alive. My wager is she experiences full-on meltdown on her first day in California and we never see her again.
It’s of special note that every 15-year old who made it to the judges got a coveted “golden ticket,” and I guess that’s saying something. But fifteen may be too young. At least for little Emma I think it is.
We shall see! Tomorrow, American Idol is in Nashville. Let’s see if someone can give McCreery a country mile run for his money.
In the meantime, check out a few photos of tonight’s episode of American Idol.
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